Hypnosis
by piloqutinnguaq
Summary: Sakura gives Kakashi a lesson on looking underneath the underneath. Pure, unfiltered crack.


Hatake Kakashi was sure he'd lost his mind. He figured he left it somewhere in the forest during his scouting mission with Uzumaki.

"Hey, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto said during a short break from their sprint, "Are you dating anybody right now?"

"I'm flattered, but no thanks," the Copy Nin quipped. The blonde ninja rolled his eyes dramatically and nearly tossed him out of the tree.

"Not for me! I was just going to say, you know, Sakura wouldn't mind if you made a move on her."

"Haruno Sakura?" Kakashi had never experienced heart failure before, but he was sure that those words brought him closer to death than any missing nin ever had.

"Duh! Anyways, bet you two ramen bowls I get back to the gates first!"

The demon-container sprinted off into the darkness, a streak of orange and gold. Kakashi beat him to the gates anyway and chalked up the conversation to a bout of temporary insanity.

As it turned out, it was less temporary than he hoped.

* * *

When he handed in his mission reports, he usually got a pleasant grunt from a slightly intoxicated Hokage. The notes from his scouting mission were greeted with a bright eyed smile.

"Only two days late," Tsunade commented cheerfully. "Are you going to the lantern festival this year, Hatake?"

"I hadn't thought about it," he replied honestly. Tsunade's smile widened and he began to fear for his health.

"You know who said just the same thing to me earlier today? Sakura. That's a coincidence."

"Sure is," he muttered, scanning his mind for illusions, desperately searching his memory of the mission for any clues of poisoning. He didn't find one. Maybe the work-load of Hokage had finally bent Tsunade's mind beyond repair.

"Well, have a nice day," Tsunade dismissed amiably.

Kakashi didn't take any chances. He bolted out of the Hokage office so quickly he nearly burned a hole through the wall.

* * *

After a tough mission, or a boring one, Kakashi liked to have a drink in a little dive bar in the center of town. It kept him around people and out of trouble for a few hours.

Yamanaka Ino sidled over to his table before he was even in his seat. Genma was too drunk to notice. Kakashi wished he was that drunk.

"How have you been, Kakashi-sempai?"

"Fine," he snapped. He was not in the mood for Ino's antics or her tiny black dress. It reminded him of a red number he'd seen Sakura in once and his face flushed under his mask.

"That's good. You still train with Sakura, right?"

Kakashi spat out half his drink.

"Stupid question, I know you do. It's cute that you guys keep in touch. Anyways, Forehead has been moping around lately and I was just wondering if you knew why."

"Moping?" Kakashi squeaked helplessly.

"She lies around her apartment all day. She refuses every guy who asks her out. Just yesterday Neji asked her to attend the festival with him and she said no!"

"Hyuuga Neji?" A flash of unbidden anger erupted in his chest. Maybe Neji needed to be reminded that Kakashi was going on thirty-two but he could still hand the Hyuuga heir his ass on a silver platter.

"I told her, you're not getting any younger and neither is your uterus! Can you believe she's only ever slept with one guy?"

_This is not good. This is very bad. _Kakashi felt like someone sucker-punched him. He downed the rest of his drink, turned on his heel, and left Ino with the tab.

* * *

Rock Lee was an admirable ninja. His dedication was nothing short of awe inspiring. He was also the second most annoying person in the world.

"I would bid you good evening, Kakashi-sensei, but I have received the most sorrowful of news!"

Kakashi stopped in the middle of the street. He couldn't even walk back to his apartment. He sighed and turned to face the green-suited jounin.

"What's wrong, Lee?"

"It is hopeless to pursue the blossom of love with the beautiful Sakura-chan! No matter how resilient I am in the spring-time of my youth, another man already has a place in her heart!"

"That never stopped you before."

Lee gasped dramatically. "I cannot come between Konoha's precious flower and the most divine embrace of her love!"

Kakashi had a sinking feeling. A terrible, horrible sinking feeling.

"Good luck, Kakashi-sempai!"

Lee's shiny green suit vanished into the night. Kakashi shook his head and wandered towards his apartment. Somehow, he took a wrong turn and ended up standing in front of Haruno Sakura's building.

* * *

As Sakura opened her door, Kakashi wondered if he had died on the scouting mission and he was enduring a cruel fate in the afterlife. There was nothing he did worth the torture of his former student in her underwear. Nothing at all.

"Kakashi-sempai?"

He realized she must have said something.

"I was just wondering," he hesitated but it was like the last gasp of a drowning man, "If you wanted to go to the lantern festival."

"You mean, with you?" Sakura challenged, one delicate brow arched, pale-pink lips curled into a smile, hand (miraculous and devastating hand) perched on her shapely hip so that her nightshirt rode up just enough.

"Yeah. Me." Kakashi's mouth was dry. Did she know her panties were covered in little hearts?

Sakura stepped up on her tip-toes and pressed a kiss to the small part of his cheek above his mask. She grinned like a madwoman.

"I thought you would never ask. Do you want to come in… for coffee?"

If he was in hell, Kakashi was determined to enjoy it.

He noticed a book on her kitchen table, but Sakura kept pushing him towards the bedroom with her beautiful hands and he forgot about it just as it had occurred to him. It read _Hypnosis: The Power of Suggestion._


End file.
